Thoughts on The Apprentice

“I want the cars, I want the girls, but most of all I want the power.”

“I have the right chemical make up to be an entrepreneur, every single morning I wake up with a surge of adrenaline round my body because I want to be a global phenomenon.”

“I’m like the swiss army knife of business skills, I’m the captain at the front of a cavalry charge, I race forward and people follow.”

“I’m disgustingly ambitious, ordinary or mediocre, those are curse words to me.”

“I don’t want to be a millionaire, I want to be a billionaire, I want to be richer than Lord Sugar, and that will happen and he needs to realize that.”

“I’ve always said never interrupt your enemy when they’re making a mistake. I’m going to sit quiet and then in the boardroom I’m going to pounce on them.”

“If you cross me, it’s like hitting a brick wall, you’re never going to get past.”

The Apprentice 2015 candidates

The Apprentice candidates 2015

The opening sound-bites of The Apprentice 2015 have set the tone for the next twelve Wednesdays, as the usual cohort of idiots and knob-heads barged into our living rooms with a double bill of buffoonery and failure.  October has arrived, and Lord Alan Sugar is once again offering one of these bumblers a £250,000 cash injection to kick-start their business plan, but not before they’ve completed an array of teamwork tasks designed to mine television gold.


Autumn is coming; the soaring overhead GVs of London, the unaffordable Bloomsbury pad, the dramatic but reassuringly familiar theme tune, Lord Sugar’s puns…



The first two episodes made for a predictably slimey/prickly start, featuring a TV-feast of fish-selling and hair-smelling which required the cringe-worthily named teams, Versatile and Connexus, to market a fishy lunch to city workers and produce an ad campaign for cactus-based shampoo. You’ve got to love the task producers.

The Apprentice 2015 fish

The Apprentice 2015 fish selling

The Apprentice 2015 cactus

Despite the format’s same-old-same-oldness, there has been a mix-up of sorts. Interviewer-from-hell Claude has replaced bespectacled Nick as one of Lord Sugar’s cronies, and the first episode features mixed-gender teams – which was actually quite refreshing until the girl-boy rivalry was reinstated for the second episode. It’s a shame that the casting – or possibly our evolution – enforces such cringe-worthy gender stereotypes on primetime telly. Whilst the macho men try to out-alpha each other, but ultimately pull together and get the job done, the bitchy made-up-to-the-nines women claw each other’s eyes out. The men win.

The Apprentice 2015

You know how the rest goes.


The Apprentice Dan Callaghan

Dan Callaghan (left) in the boardroom

The Apprentice Aisha Kasim

Project manager Aisha Kasim (centre) in the boardroom

The first candidate to leave was Dan Callaghan – a blundering toss-pot – and the second was Aisha Kasim – an ineffectual wet blanket. Week by week the producers will cull off the weakest personalities and leave a cluster-mess of ego and attractiveness to face the final boardroom.

I for one will be watching.


One thought on “Thoughts on The Apprentice

  1. Thanks, Hats, for the education — had no idea there was a British “Apprentice” or a Lord and Lady Sugar. And thanks for an image for the psychotic money-orgy going on around us — people eating shit with sugar sprinkled on the top.

    Is it too left-Atlantic, wilderness-naive and hyphen-fucked of me to ask — but you are rooting for a future that is more than shit and sugar, right?



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